I Think My PTSD is Playing Tricks on Me

I’ve gone 8 months without being triggered by anything. Life is great so far and I don’t have suicidal thoughts anymore thanks to my therapists creating a space for people like myself who live in their past. While I thought things were finally getting better at improving my mental health and stress management; my brain had other plans. As I walked in Walmart one late afternoon a wave of anxiety came over me out of nowhere. My heart rate increased, my palms instantly became sweaty, and my entire body felt like a giant vibrator. My anxiety was literally crippling me the further I walked and I was trying to come up with a million different reasons why this was happening at that moment. My feet became heavier with every step I took, almost as if it was trying to stop me. At that point, I was fully aware that things could get a lot worse, so I thought about my breathing techniques my therapists recommended and I gave it a try. As I was walking in ethnic hair aisle looking for the conditioner I use and there it was; Blue Magic hair grease. I tried to unsee it. I even power walked out the aisle trying not to make a scene. The event that happened years ago replayed in my head as if I went back in time. I could smell it, I wanted to cry so badly, but I also wanted to face it. Facing my problems head on that day just wasn’t going to happen. I smelled Blue Magic hair grease all over me, well at least I thought I did. I felt someone grab my arm, but when I turned around nobody was there. Just when I thought my life was going well, PTSD kicked down the door with no fucks to give.

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