Sitting on the edge of a rock while my feet hover over the ocean swinging back and forth. I inhaled so deep and closed my eyes while I exhaled. I hear nothing but the ocean waves and the seagulls flying overhead. The smell of the salt is so strong I can taste it. This place brings me to a quiet place that is usually very loud and chaotic; like one thought would manifest the next thought and the next thought would bring fear. But when I am here, it isn’t just me; I become one with the ocean, the rocks, and the wind. I start setting intentions and thinking positivity into my life; all the while meditating to the sound of one of life’s most precious gifts. We sometimes get too wrapped in the adversities we face in our everyday lives and we forget to check in on ourselves. And we when forget to check in, we often become unrecognizable to ourselves. We don’t want to get up and do those simple tasks we tell ourselves to do daily, because the bed sounds like a much better place to be. Small tasks such as taking a shower or just leaving my bedroom for a couple of hours was dreadful for me when I was going through a rough time in my life. I found something that takes me to a place and relaxes my entire body and most importantly my mind. There is nothing more important than self-care; I get it, your career is important to you and it is vital that you stay on top of it. Except, how will you be able to continue to excel in your career if you’re not in a healthy mindset? If you’re not in the best mental health, then you’re probably not in the best physical health; which leads to poor health choices and it will have a negative impact on your physical health leading to future conditions. All I’m saying is take the time you need for yourself. If you love your life, family, friends, and career; how the hell will you be able to show them if you’re not showing it to yourself. We must take care of ourselves first, even if that means a little retail shopping. Find that place or that thing, then find the peace in it and you’ll become one with everything.
Love comes. Love goes. But it often comes back. Whether it be with your previous partner or with someone else. So I encourage you to live your life to the fullest the way you want. Don’t ever change how you view yourself because you are hurting. You are enough and you are absolutely worthy. Relationships either make us or break us; mostly they make us the person we strive to be. My past relationships were toxic because I was toxic and I was careless. I was living my life and not thinking about the emotional headspace my partners were in. My first relationship, I was given permission by my girlfriend at the time to go and experience another woman. I really liked this woman at the time, so I went ahead and experienced someone else and it was horrible. Everything about that night was horrible! That next morning my girlfriend at the time came in the apartment to pick me up and I still thought nothing of it. All three of us sat on the couch just talking about what we should do that day and later that day we all went to the mall. Once we were in the mall I realized that I was the hugest asshole because of the way she was treating my girlfriend and in a way I indirectly gave her the okay to feel superior to her. I lost interest immediately and my girlfriend cried in the mall. After my ex and I broke up I hooked u with that girl again and the sex was just horrible, I don’t think we had chemistry at all, it was not working. We were working strictly with appearances; I was attractive and so was she.
My second relationship was with an older woman. I was about 18; I had just graduated high school and she wanted me to move to Atlanta with her. I believe she was about 27 at the time. We were on completely different paths in our lives. I just graduated high school, I was looking into schools in Atlanta, she had a business she was running and she is also an artist. I don’t think we ever had that moment where we were like, “dang, I’m really into you” because the same day I got there I already knew it wouldn’t work, but I pushed for it anyway. She’s a grown woman who needs someone on her level and honestly, I wasn’t trying to be that person and I know she wasn’t trying to raise a child, because that’s exactly what I was; she would always tell me I was mature for my age, but I really wasn’t. Eventually, I moved back home and I’d get accused of cheating whenever I went out with my friends, I never cheated on her by the way, but I was just tired of it. She finally broke up with me and I was hurt because I didn’t see it coming and that felt like rejection in the worse way. My emotions weren’t in deep, thank god. She ended up calling me on and off and I thought it was fine because we were no longer together, I liked it better that way, but I just felt like I was wasting her time, I’m not what she was looking for. Then eventually she cut me off completely and I felt a way because I always wanted to be there, but in a selfish way. I was a very manipulative person, always hitting up my exes just to see if I was still on their mind.
My last relationship before my current wasn’t supposed to happen; it happened too soon I should say. She lived in San Francisco and I lived here; Minnesota. It lasted about 3 years, it was great until I stopped getting the attention I wanted. She stopped calling as much and just didn’t sound happy, I wish she would have broken it off because I tend to hold on to things longer than I should. She was a great person, but once I lose interest it’s over. Our third year I started seeing other people, I even tried hooking up with a guy, but I’m really too gay for all that. That’s a story for another time. This relationship and my first one have to be the worst shit I’ve ever done to anyone. I met a woman, who is now my partner and we got really close within a few weeks of knowing each other. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting us to get as close as we did, I planned on moving with my ex in San Francisco and it was getting harder and harder to leave because I was so interested in this woman I met. I ended up moving anyway, my ex found out I was talking to someone else and flipped out, as expected because I was a shit head. To make matters worse I had absolutely no remorse for her feelings, I simply did not care. I’m not a heartless person, but even though I didn’t care, it just felt wrong and I was confused as to why I didn’t feel her hurt. I watched her cry with a straight face and told her I was moving back home, I didn’t want to work it out. I left her in that apartment to move everything on her own, to settle the paperwork, and I left her to deal with her emotions on her own. After a few months I was disgusted with myself; so I wrote her via email apologizing. I know, how fucking selfish, you only wrote her so that you can let go of your guilt. Well, that guilt fucked me up and I deserved it. It really opened my eyes, I will never ever treat a person like that in my life ever again. I went to therapy for a multitude of reasons and the guilt I felt for hurting her was also the reason I attended. I was struggling to find out who I was and why I acted the way I did, I was completely heartless and that’s just not me! I have a heart of gold and I am the most compassionate person I know. My first girlfriend, who is now my best friend; every now and then I think about what I did to her and I hate myself. Like I said before, I tend to have a hard time letting things go.
I have been committed to this incredible woman for 4 going on 5 years now and she treats me like a queen. I have no idea what I did to deserve her. She has taught me so much about love, even though I am her first love. I have never loved a soul the way I love hers. Every single day I find myself asking how did I get so lucky? Every day I fall in love even more! We clicked right away, she had me writing her hella poems and shit; confessing my love. At the end of the day, don’t let an asshole like me fuck up your perception of love; I was dealing with my own shit and most of the time it has nothing to do with the people involved. If you’re blaming yourself because your partner left and cheated on you, stop it! You’re great! Someone who is unable to show you the respect you deserve doesn’t need to be in your life. If you’re feeling insecure after he/she cheated on you, don’t; they’re the ones with the problems. If you never want to love again, too bad, it’s going to happen and you will find someone who appreciates all of you whether you like it or not! After all that bullshit I put women through, I was given chances after chances to make it right. We do change, in yo face, bitches!
Slipped through the cracks of my fingers
Too late to grip,
You fall like water
I never got to float in your ocean
Instead I got lost in your waves
So deep in your current
Leaving me numb
Hoping that I’ll get to see you again
I saw you a few times a month because I wanted to keep our distance, seeing that we saw each other on the scene quite often. I hated you were so affectionate in front of my friends, you knew it too much you also knew I would never disrespect you in front of them. There were others you know, but mainly it was just you because, well, I trusted you more. I don’t like pillow talking and neither did you. What happened in those hotel rooms stayed there, sometimes we would revisit those exact rooms and it felt like we never left. You used to tell me you never wanted to leave and I knew you had crossed a line, but sex with you was great. I should have ended you months ago. “I never want to leave” turned into “I love you” one drunken night at a mutual friend house, causing me to reacting in a way a crab would. I disappeared into my shell, I kissed you one last time that night because I knew it’d be a while before I see you again. After two months of not answering your calls and texts, you caught me getting out of my car on the way to a bar to see a woman I’d been seeing for a couple weeks. You proceeded to tell me that I am heartless and you couldn’t believe you fell for someone like me. I didn’t want to cause a scene, so I told you I would call you so we can meet up and talk about it. You shoved me and told me to kiss your ass. That’s all I ever wanted anyway, I just wanted casual sex with a beautiful woman I loved talking to when I had the chance. We had an agreement, but that agreement was ignored shortly after a few nights of wine. I never wanted it to end that way, you failed at keeping your end of the bargain and now I’m the “bad guy”. So much for No Strings attached.